I have been privileged to lead training events about the best practices in youth ministry for years. A topic always addressed is how and whom to recruit as adult mentors for youth.

Most of us have seen the traditional lists of requirements, including things like:

• They are faithful participants in our church community
• They are not related to a member of the group
• They have all the required training (Safeguarding, anti-racism, etc.) and background checks
• They are willing to attend youth ministry training
• They understand the working relationships among the staff, vestry, and parents
• The are kind, flexible, and understand the time commitment to which they are agreeing
• They are willing to serve as a member of the team and hold confidences

Many of us hold an idea of the “perfect” youth minister somewhere in our imaginations. Young. Up-to-date on music, fashion, and social media. Deeply faithful in their walk with God without being overly zealous. But then we look around our congregations, searching for them among our ranks, and we don’t see them. It’s just us, this rag-tag family of faithful adults, young and old. Some are engaging, up-to-date, and faithful, and others seem, well, less so. So we need help looking past our assumptions to see who’s really here.

So Who Else IS There?

For years at these events, I would invite participants to reflect on their adults — specifically, on the adults who were present to them during their critical time of becoming. I used this exercise to help move the room away from the lists of “qualifications” like those listed above and to flesh out the truth about who provides the best companionship for adolescents.

Following a guided meditation (see below), I would ask the simple question: “Was there an adult along the path who made a difference to you?”  I’ve heard hundreds of responses over the years. Every time, the conversations that follow evoke unexpected and strong emotions. We remember being vulnerable. We remember feeling unseen, unknowable, and misunderstood until someone held space for a specific sort of shift.

The Stories We Shared

Here are some of the stories that surfaced through the meditation:

“My choir director told me she was counting on me. That I was important. That she relied on me and cared about me.”

“My friend’s dad walked with me through a handful of my bad choices. Without judgment, he just kept reminding me that people are counting on me, that I need to work hard to do what is right so that I can enjoy life. That honesty is essential in authentic relationships, even when truth is hard.”

“My Spanish teacher modeled for me that life is all about relationships. With yourself, with other people, with God. He kept dropping these transformational statements on us in class. I believed him.”

“My neighbor, an older widowed gentleman, knew my parents were divorcing. He started waving me onto his porch and asking for my help. He was enthusiastic about sharing what he saw as ‘little miracles’ and the joy of accomplishing small tasks, which changed my way of understanding where I had power in my life in those difficult times.”

“My youth leader told me I was going to be okay. He quietly spoke life into me, never threatened me with the ‘If you don’t start doing this . . .’ dire predictions. Trusted my judgment.”

“My friend’s mom kept letting me in her home and naming things in me she found important. Most adults mistrusted me because I was entirely unsupervised, but she kept commenting on gifts and skills she saw in me, mostly interpersonal. She gently encouraged me to build on those and held me accountable. To this day I don’t know why she risked letting me in, but her faith in my possibilities continues to matter to me all these years later.”

“Our scout leaders asked our opinions, let us problem-solve and make mistakes, treated our experience as valid, and discussed things without judgment, even personal things we would never explore with our parents.”

“There was no one there for me. Not family, or teachers, or bosses. I learned that I had to provide a home base for myself. Watching my peers struggle even when they had support, I lived in constant fear that I would blow it and have no one to blame but myself.”

A Revised List of Who Qualifies as a Mentor

These were very rarely church leaders. Surprisingly, sometimes they were parents. But mostly they were just regular people who did not look away from youth, even in their most confused and confusing times. They were always there with simple actions and clear messages. Especially when many of us were at our ugliest, they saw through that and into our beauty.

So here’s what we know: Along with everything on those helpful lists of what makes a good youth mentor, it’s essential to remember to consider adults with courage and character:

• They count on the youth in the circle
• They encourage and model honesty and authenticity in relationships
• They speak into them gifts of life, faith, power, and miracles
• They let them in
• They let them fail
• They are present

Not many of us would welcome the chance to go back into those woods. Yet there are those rare adults who are unafraid — or at least less afraid than others — to accompany those just starting out on this adventure. Maybe they remember the winding paths, the thrill of the occasional wolf, and the magic. Maybe they still believe that even in the darkest places, the possibility of getting through with help is always there. And so they help.

This clarity of character and call for youth ministers matters. We don’t need perfect. We need brave and faithful. In these woods of adolescence, the monsters are real, and so is the wildness of God’s mercy. I am biased, but I think these youth are her favorites. Discerning, calling, engaging, and encouraging our adults matters. I encourage you to do this and to be excellent stewards of those who are ready to fill those water bottles, pack provisions, pray, charge cords, fight the dragons, and agree to be companions to our young people on their journeys of becoming.

The Guided Meditation

We start by picking a two-year period of time from adolescence. Eighth grade is usually included in the window, as that is typically a solid shift-gear-year for many. We close our eyes and conjure the setting of that time. Slowly, one question at a time, we’re asked to carefully recall: Where did we sleep? Where did we have our meals — breakfast, lunch, dinner? How did we get to school? What happened on the weekends?

After a gradual rebuilding of that universe, we look around a little more closely. What was on the walls? On the table? Was there music? Who was with us in each of those places?

Then the question that evoked the answers above is asked: In that time, was there an adult, perhaps more than one, who said or did something that shifted your idea of yourself? Think carefully. Maybe an adult who, when you were feeling lost or uncertain, cast even a small light on your path. Or made demands. One who reinforced, or contradicted, the internal dialogue you were having with yourself about who you are, about your identity, and whether or not you mattered.

Recalling the weight of that season is an important exercise for adults hoping to walk alongside others in those woods. It also reminds us that choices we made during that time often have long-term consequences, large and small, for better or for worse, for the rest of our lives.

For Further Reading

“Mentoring for Kids: 5 Ways to Be an Effective Youth Mentor” by Lori Ampey, Boys & Girls Clubs of America (Jan. 26, 2021) – An article with tips for mentoring kids well

“Youth Leader Development Resources,” Province III of the Episcopal Church – A bibliography of excellent reads for those who wish to mentor youth in the church

Featured image is by Sebastian Unrau on Unsplash