In our work as formation leaders, we will encounter opportunities to talk about death and minister to people who are grieving. It can be uncomfortable, and in our society, this discomfort often deters people from showing up and having conversations with those who have experienced loss. However, these moments are opportunities to show love and support.

Through my work as a family minister, I have generated some best practices around supporting grieving families. The tips below are compiled from many sources, but primarily from the stated experiences of those in grief. Ultimately, it is most important to honor the wishes of the grieving party. These tips are meant to serve as a guide on how to navigate these sensitive situations.

How to Discuss Death with Children in Ministry Settings

1. Be concrete and clear when talking about a death

State clearly that the person died instead of using colloquialisms. Avoid saying that they “went to sleep” as that can cause fear in children when going to bed.

2. Keep details about the death to a minimum

Don’t give more details or specifics around the death than necessary. Different families may share different information. The children may bring this up themselves, and then we can address it very matter of factly. We don’t lie to children, but we also don’t need to include details that will cause undue stress. We also want to respect the privacy of the grieving family.

3. Avoid glamorizing heaven

Talking about heaven and the hope of eternal life with God can offer comfort. However, we don’t want to glamorize heaven in such a way as to make it seem like a place that children should hurry to get to. Using the phrase “in God’s time” may be reassuring since there is much we do not know about death, especially the “when.”

4. Let the children lead

Children may bring up a death in conversation or in play. It is important not to shut these coping processes down. Instead, listen well and validate their feelings.

5. Welcome conversation about loved ones who have died

If the child is sharing information, such as memories about a loved one who has died, let them know that you love hearing about them and that they can always share about them with you.

How to Support Children and Adults Who Are Grieving

1. Listen

Listen without feeling the need to interject, to offer platitudes, or to comment. Sometimes well-meaning comments can be hurtful. Listening is more important than speaking.

2. Respect their way of grieving

Hold space for whatever feelings they have, and respect the way they grieve. Validate however they feel. Remember that grief is not linear, and there are many stages.

3. Use the name of the person who has died

Use the name of the deceased, talk about them, and share good memories if you have them.

4. Remember meaningful dates of the deceased loved one

Remember dates like anniversaries of the death and birthdays. Put them in your calendar, reach out, and mark the occasion. When possible, remember smaller milestones as well.

5. Anticipate slow or no responses to calls or messages

If reaching out by phone call or message, give space and don’t expect a response. People who are grieving can feel overwhelmed by the number of messages they receive, and they may not have the emotional capacity to respond. Do not let that stop you, however, from reaching out with little notes to check in and send support. These are often appreciated.

6. Offer specific help

Instead of saying, “Let me know how I can help,” offer times and specific offers of help, like “I can watch your kids on Tuesday, so you can go for a walk” or “I can bring you groceries and do a load of laundry this weekend.” This gives them an easy way to say yes or no without having to think of the mental task list and ask for help.

7. Offer to help connect them to grief counselors and pastoral care

Remind them that you can refer them to counselors or pastors for prayer and support. It is helpful if the church can offer to cover the expense.

8. Obtain consent for public plans

It is important to check in with the family before making public plans and gestures. Be sure to respect the family’s wishes and that they may need time and privacy. Go at their pace.

9. Plan for long-term support

Most support will come through in early days and weeks, and when that disappears, the family may feel forgotten and alone.

10. Consider giving books about grief to children

Some books that might be helpful to gift to grieving children are “Something Very Sad Happened” by Bonnie Zucker, “The Memory Box” by Joanna Rowland, and “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst.

Featured image is by Sandy Millar on Unsplash