Sometimes in our work with children, we rub up against the edges of what Jerome Berryman called “existential limits.” He named these as death, the threat of freedom, the need for meaning, and fundamental aloneness. It can be hard to navigate these difficult topics, especially when supporting grieving children and/or grieving ourselves.

Why We Need to Talk with Children about Death

Talking about death with children is hard and holy work. Our society has made death taboo, and many adults feel uncomfortable talking about death. This can lead them to avoid helping children process their own complex feelings and thoughts about death.

Avoiding discussions with children about death is a disservice to children. We know that every human being will have to reckon with death, and this is true even for children, who are likely to encounter the death of a pet or loved one at a young age. They will also see leaves change colors and fall from trees, flowers in a vase turn brown and wilt, and small insects or animals who have died in nature.

One of the gifts of the church is that we have spiritual language to explain death. We also have hope for an eternal future with God. It is our work to learn best practices in discussing death, supporting those who are grieving, and creating a space for people to openly wonder and process their grief and questions.

Developing a Resource for Conversations with Preschool Children

In my church community, we had a family with preschool-aged children join who had recently lost their infant daughter. When they began attending, I realized I was ill-prepared to support them. I purchased a lot of children’s books on death, stocked those books in our church spaces, listened to and learned from the family, and then helped prepare my Sunday School teachers for tips on how to support them.

In January 2025, a child that attended our preschool died. Even with my prior efforts to learn about how to support a grieving family and talk to children about death, I felt unprepared to navigate child loss with the whole community.

I wanted to share what I learned through these heartbreaking experiences in case it helps anyone else who walks a similar road. I also wanted to channel my work in helping preschool students ages 2–4 in our preschool process the death of their classmate into a resource that could be used in any preschool chapel setting, or adapted into children’s moments, Sunday school lessons, or as lesson plans for Christian preschool educators. I intentionally kept the language and ideas simple because my context is very young children. For older children, there are many additional beautiful books and resources. I included some suggestions for older children in my lessons without going into detail about them.

There are times in the church year where we routinely have opportunities to address death with children liturgically. I created three preschool chapel lessons that tie into some of these: All Saints’ and All Souls’ Days, Ash Wednesday, and Good Friday. The other three lessons address other aspects of grief or processing death. I also developed an appendix of other resources I found valuable during these times, which is available below.

In our chapel setting, we have routine opening and closing rituals. These are helpful in allowing the children to know what to expect, helping children “get ready,” and then marking their sending and transition out of the space. Our rituals include lighting candles at the beginning of chapel, reminding children that “God is light, and we light the candles as a reminder that God is here with us.” Then we sing a welcome song that the children know, like “Rise and Shine, and Give God the Glory.” For closing, we pray, sing a sending song (ours is “Go Now in Peace”), and then we “change the light,” which is extinguishing the candles using language from Godly Play: “Watch what happens to the light when I change it- it is not gone, but it is spreading out and filling up the whole room. Wherever you go today, the light will still be there, even though you can’t see it anymore.” This is important spiritual language for children regarding death and what comes next.

Preschool Chapel Lessons on Death and Grieving

Editor’s Note: Please give credit to the author when using or sharing.

You can view and download a printable PDF of the lesson series here: “Preschool Chapel Lessons on Death and Grieving“

A Prayer for You before Talking with Children about Death

“Dear God, help me as I try to explain death and resurrection to these children. Reassure me about the ability of children to understand and their capacity to believe, and make my faith equal to theirs. Then grant me the right words at the right time to satisfy the mind and comfort the spirit of your children.
Amen.”

From “Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney (revised and expanded, Pilgrim, 1982)

Additional Resources

• “Burial Rite for a Child,” in “Enriching Our Worship 3” (Church Publishing, 2007)
• “Developmental Understandings for Very Young Children, Children and Teens,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief (2022)
• “Heaviness, Healing, & Hope: A Three-Part Ritual of Remembrance for Those Who Mourn the Loss of a Child” by Sylvia Miller-Mutia
• “Key Points to Remember When Talking to Children and Teens about Death and Dying,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief (2022)
• “Supporting Preschoolers Who Are Grieving,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief (2020)
• “Supporting Students through Big Changes,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief (2020)
• “Ways to Support a Child Who Is Grieving,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief
• “What to Expect at Different Ages,” National Alliance for Children’s Grief (2020)

For practical suggestions for discussing death with children and supporting children and adults who are grieving in Christian communities, see Kari Robinson’s article “Best Practices for Talking about Death in Ministry Settings.”

Featured image is by Simeon Muller on Unsplash