Roots & Wings: Intergenerational Formation Collaborative (R&W) is a grant focused on empowering congregations to practice vibrant intergenerational liturgy, especially in Episcopal contexts. Our grant team defines intergenerational liturgy as liturgy that seeks to intentionally engage and equally value the gifts and needs of two or more generations (or every generation present). You can read more in our article “What Is Intergenerational Worship?” This article series, “Roots & Wings FAQ,” offers responses to frequently asked questions about intergenerational liturgy.

I have served in multiple congregations that offer Children’s Chapel. During the Liturgy of the Word, children process out of the sanctuary for a time of child-centered scripture reading and prayer, and then they return at The Peace. In conversations about intergenerational liturgy, leaders often share that parents and caregivers appreciate Children’s Chapel and ask how to create parent and caregiver buy-in for intergenerational worship. One webinar participant posed the question this way:

“The people in our church who are most opposed to children in worship are the parents, because they feel like it takes away from their experience of worship / distracts them to be worried about their kids. How can we reshape this narrative or encourage them to change their perspective?”

Parenting in Worship Can Be Hard

As someone who worships weekly with an infant and a preschooler, I resonate deeply with the challenges of “parenting in the pew.” Having my children with me during the entire worship service does, in fact, distract me and detract from my own ability to worship in the way I used to. I often miss an entire reading while taking my daughter to the bathroom, and if I can even hear the sermon over the dropping of crayons and chewing of goldfish crackers, I certainly cannot follow the plot for a full 15 minutes. Not to mention the times when I step out to walk around outside with a fussy baby.

Ideas for Connecting with Parents & Caregivers

There is no silver bullet here. It is difficult to be fully present to worship while also parenting young children. Here’s what I would offer to church leaders encountering this justified concern:

1. Affirm Their Experience

Rather than trying to convince caregivers that worshiping with children can be a magical experience, maybe we can start by affirming the challenge and the loss. It’s hard to parent during worship. And it’s nearly impossible to worship in the same way that you do without your children present. Let’s name that grief.

2. Ask for Details

Try to understand even more deeply what the caregiver finds difficult: “Tell me more about what is hard or distracting when your kids are in worship with you.” Do not offer solutions, even if you see a “fix” for what the caregiver finds challenging. Build trust by again affirming what is difficult. Consider keeping a list of what caregivers are telling you in order to share with other leaders and look for patterns.

3. Attend to the Longing

Many caregivers of young children are stretched thin. The desire to worship without the distraction of children may be pointing to a larger longing for silence, dedicated prayer time, meaningful rituals, connection to God, or just plain rest. Perhaps if this longing is addressed outside of the liturgy, caregivers would have more bandwidth to parent during the liturgy. Consider other ways the church can address this longing. Wednesday parent compline on Zoom? A quiet room with prayer stations before worship, while children attend nursery/formation hour? Monthly dinner with childcare provided?

4. Foster Intergenerational Relationships

In most congregations there are a plethora of adults who are not worshiping with young children. Some of them would likely enjoy helping a young family. And some young families would very much welcome this help!

The “match-making” aspect of having children worship with non-family members in order to allow parents an opportunity to worship with less distraction can be tricky. Some adults are not comfortable offering to take a baby or sit with a child because they do not want to pressure the parent or be rejected. Some children are reserved and would not be comfortable worshiping away from their parents. When we focus on creating a culture of strong intergenerational relationships, this “match-making” can happen naturally in a way that feels comfortable to all involved. When fostering these relationships, I would encourage the adults who are not worshiping with young children to take the lead in getting to know families.

5. Be a Gentle Guide

I find worshiping with my preschooler to be more meaningful when I engage her in worship with me rather than trying to distract her or keep her quiet. Caregivers may need some ideas on how to do this with children of different ages. A few things that work well with my three-year-old: inviting her to dance during hymns, encouraging her to bow when the cross passes, and asking, “What are you praying for today?” during the Prayers of the People.

6. Get Creative in Meeting Needs

Consider what a parent of young children might need in order to participate in liturgical leadership. Does a parent need childcare to attend choir practice? Or maybe parents want to rotate who is singing in the choir each Sunday? In our monthly Forma Intergenerational Ministry Community Cohort, someone shared that a young mom rotating off vestry told her, “I wish someone had offered to take my family dinner on vestry meeting nights so I had one less thing on my plate.” Maybe we can “take something else off the plate” of a parent to free them up for liturgical leadership.

7. Set the Vision

A clear and well-articulated “why” goes a long way in bringing others on board with something new or challenging. Each church leader will need to find the core value and language that feels authentic to them.

Here’s what I remind myself on days when parenting during worship feels difficult: I believe that worship is the primary and distinctive activity of the Christian community. We can read the Bible together at home. We can serve our neighbors through other organizations. But it is only during the Eucharist that we unite with fellow Christians to recount and enact the story of our faith. I want my children to know how to worship. I want them to feel a sense of belonging in the larger body of Christ. So, I am inviting them to practice with me.

An Accompanying Approach

Again, there is no perfect “solution” here. The reality is that it’s difficult to be fully present during the liturgy while also parenting young children. Instead of looking for a technical fix, I wonder how faith communities might accompany caregivers so that over the course of time, maybe a month or a liturgical season, the longings of parents are addressed and opportunities for children to actively engage in the full worship service are expanded.

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